Remembering Eternity
by ryanzraindrop
Summary: SiriusRemus. Remus recalls life before Azkaban and how there never really was a fairy tale romance. Strong language, dark subjects.


_Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter there would be more sex. Enough said. I give credit where credit is due for lyrics. Story is mine, plot is mine, characters are twisted to my evil ways, and Christina is mine._

_**I have to give big kisses and 'I love yous' to my real-life Remi-Wemi! Thanks for the inspiration, darling. I don't know how you gave it to me, but you did. This story is dedicated to you! Kisses!**_

_Please R&R. One-shot._

Remembering Eternity

"_And there's you and me and all of these people.  
__And I don't know why, but I can't take my eyes off of you." -Lifehouse_

Remembering eternity is such a hard concept, the grasping of point zero. I think we were at the Yule Ball in sixth year. His date had gotten angry when he ignored her and I only went because of the pair of them bribed me.

James had just left to chase Lily when he sat down beside me, his beautiful blue eyes bloodshot. "I need to talk to you." He said softly.

I was shocked. "Don't you mean James?" I leaned in toward him. "Are you drunk?"

"No." he snapped. "I want to talk to you." His look softened. "Please, Remus?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's okay, Sirius."

He looked like he was going to cry. "C-Can we go outside?" He smelled like vodka.

I stood up. "Yeah, let's go." He was going to get in trouble for drinking if I didn't keep an eye on him.

I followed him outside passed the lovers snogging behind the bushes and a few seventh years getting wasted. He led me down to the lake.

"Siri, what's going on?" I asked.

He looked at me. "Siri? Where the hell did that come from?"

I blushed, thanking the darkness. "Sorry. I don't know."

There was an awkward pause. "Promise not to tell James?" Sirius asked in a small voice I had never heard him use before.

"Yeah, Sirius, I promise." I was terrified of his saying he cut his wrists. I always hated making promises to Sirius when I really didn't understand the terms.

"I'm gay." He admitted softly. "Don't tell James, Remus. He'd hate me! He wouldn't understand. I know _you_ would."

"Why would I?' My heart stopped beating. Any moment I was going to fall over dead. I knew that—"

"I've seen you look at me." Sirius said, almost smugly. "James and I have know you were gay since we knew what gay ways."

My mouth was dry. "What makes you think he would hate you then, if he doesn't hate me?"

Sirius froze, then whispered bitterly. "_You_ didn't spend all summer teaching James how to kiss. If he knew I was gay, he'd hate me for that."

"You've kissed blokes before?" I asked. Sirius was experienced with both sexes, it seemed.

"James." Sirius said. "A Muggle kid named Vinci. Lucius Malfoy."

"You kissed Lucius?" I hissed. "Why would you—"

"We fucked." Sirius said bluntly, softly crying now. "Last summer. And don't you go judging me." He snapped. "I know you and Lucius have kissed. And you and Snape."

"When did you know?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "Sirius?"

"A while." The sixteen-year-old answered. "I don't know exactly." Sirius laid his head on my shoulder. "Don't tell James?"

"I won't." I promised again. "But you should." There was a pause, during which I noticed my heart speeding up considerably. Sirius was crying on my shoulder. "Siri?"

"Remi-Wemi." He returned, trying to smile.

"Remi-Wemi?" I pretended to be revolted. "What hat did you put that one from?"

"Remus?"

"Hmmm?"

"Shut up." His lips pressed against mine, petal soft. He eyes were staring into mine. I'd never kissed open-eyed before. I felt like crying and laughing all at the same time.

"Wh-Why did you do that?"

He smiled impishly. "I know you wanted me to."

I pulled away, forgetting laughter. I fought my tears. "Shut up, Sirius." I snapped. "I'm not one of your one-night stands."

He reached for my hand as I stood up. "Remus—"

"Good night." I said, taking off for Gryffindor tower, tears now falling. How could I have been so stupid? Sirius was a slut; all he cared about was sex. I felt so dirty inside.

I threw himself against the dormitory door and cried. "It's not fair." I whispered. "It's all a game to him. It's so damned unfair."

A knock sounded. "Remus?"

"Go away." I knew I was being horrible and I didn't care.

"You're night a one-night stand." He said softly. "I mean that. You know I'm not good with the emotional-love crap."

I unlocked the door. "You-You love me?" I whispered. "Siri?"

He nodded and then kissed me. "I love you." He whispered. "My god, you're beautiful."

I couldn't help it. Flattery works miracles. I let him teach me things that night. Illicit romantic acts.

* * *

I never held Lucius against him. I know how there's no choice with that man. Sex is his oxygen. And Sirius was the gorgeous cousin of his fiancé. It was more demanded than expected. 

I never openly examined the bruises on his hips, his neck. _I_ never cried over the cheating. I only cried when Sirius' eyeliner ran down his cheeks.

* * *

The day after graduation he screamed that he hated me, got drunk, and slept with Lucius. James had found out when he saw us kissing as we changed into our graduation gowns. 

"Remus?" James asked after he chased me to the back of the room. He grabbed my arm and spun me around. "I-I didn't mean to . . . I mean, I didn't know." He hugged me. "I'm sorry."

I nodded. "I know. He'll come back. He always does."

* * *

And he did. Two weeks later he showed up on my doorstep drunk, bruised, and broken. I took all of my pleading to get him to James' house; Lily was much more skilled at medical magic than I was. 

I knocked on the door as Sirius cursed at me, fighting against my grip. James opened the door, Lily close behind him.

"Remus? _S-Sirius?_ What's going on?" James asked. "Sirius, where did all those bruises come from?"

"Lily," I began softly, "I could really use your help."

"Y-Yes, of course. Bring him into the kitchen." She dashed out to the hallway, to get her wand, I assumed.

Sirius was now so close to me I was having difficulty breathing. "Sirius, dammit, James isn't going to bite you." I said irritably.

"That would be your job." James said automatically.

Sirius looked up from the floor. "Y-You mean it. You don't care that I'm . . . gay?"

"No." James said, holding open the kitchen door. "As long as you're happy." He helped me sit Sirius in a chair. "Where'd you get all these cuts and bruises, Sirius?" he asked gently.

Sirius looked at me and shook his head, his eyes filling up with tears. "I'm sorry." He whispered pitifully. "I won't do it again."

_"Again!"_ James was livid. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, hard. "This happened before and you never stopped it? What the hell is wrong with you, Remus?"

"It never went this far." I said, as evenly as one could while being shaken like a rag doll.

"Even a little is too much." He snarled.

I pulled away. "James, you couldn't possible understand."

"And you're some expert!" he shrieked hysterically.

"I should now." I fired back. "I fucked him before Sirius ever did!" My nose stung from the threat of tears as I sat down next to Sirius and wrapped my arms around him. I kissed his temple. "I love you."

Lily entered the room. "Screaming doesn't help anything, James." She looked at Sirius. "Shirt off, dear." Her voice was almost apologetic. "Who did this to you?" she asked as she worked.

I looked out the window, James glared at me, and Sirius told the dumbest lie I'd ever heard. "I fell down the stairs."

Lily stopped working. "And I suppose the carpet attacked you afterward?"

Sirius glared at her. "It's none of your damned business." He snapped.

"It was an old boyfriend, Lil." I said, fighting to keep the calm in my voice. "Let's just leave it at that."

"All right, Remus." She said. Then, to Sirius, "did he rape you?"

Sirius pulled away from Lily so fast, if James hadn't pulled his wand out there would have been blood on the new kitchen floor. Sirius grabbed my arms. "Let's go. Now, Remus, please?" he begged, pulling me toward the door. "I'm okay."

"Who is he?" James asked, face white with anger. "Remus, you had damn well better not lie to me or I swear to the gods . . ."

"It isn't my lie to tell, James." I said softly. "Come on, Sirius, let's go. 'Night, Lil. And thanks."

* * *

He started tearing at my clothes the instant we entered the house. "I want you." He pulled me close and kissed me. "I'm sorry about this. I'll make it up to you." His hands rubbing along my chest let me know exactly _how_ he planned to make it up. 

I ignored the warmth in my muscles. "Siri, you don't have to make anything up. We don't need to have sex tonight." I moved to put my arms around him, but he pulled away.

"You don't want me?" he asked, looking like a thirteen-year-old child. "You don't love me anymore, do you?" Sirius' eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry, Remi. I'm so sorry. Please love me. Don't stop."

I pulled him tightly to me. "I'll never stop loving you, Siri. I promise."

He kissed me and moved his hands to the button on my jeans. "I love you, too."

"You don't have to love me with your body, Sirius." I whispered, in what I hoped was a gentle tone.

His eyes went wide. "I don't know how else to love you." He muttered. "this is how you love people." He added, more to himself than me.

"Who taught you to love people with your body?" I murmured tenderly into his ear.

Sirius looked at me. "Remember when you got your Hogwarts letter?" he asked. "Weren't you excited?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, but Sirius what does—"

"Almost anytime a pureblood male gets his Hogwarts letter, he has to 'get permission' to go." Sirius said.

I stared at him, confused.

"My father fucked me. You have to have sex to come to Hogwarts." He choked on his own voice. "Regulus used it to his advantage. Daddy was so pissed when I decided to share my body with other men." Sirius pulled away from me and ran to the bedroom.

I followed him. "Siri?"

"I'm sick." Sirius snapped, face flushed. "I fucked my father."

"You were raped by him." I said. "He's the incestuous bastard, not you." I sat down next to my boyfriend on the bed. "Lucius raped you."

Sirius slapped me. "You never told me you fucked him!" he yelled.

"I didn't think you really needed to know." I admitted, ignoring the stinging on my cheek. "What would it have changed?"

Sirius slapped me again. I'm pregnant. Or, rather, _we're_ pregnant." Then he kissed me. "Four weeks."

"We're having a baby?" Sirius nodded. "Shit." I said, smiling. "We need to get married."

"Are you going to make an honest man out of me?" Sirius teased. "I don't want to get married yet."

"B-But, Sirius, it's a kid." I protested feebly. "C'mon, puppy."

"Do you think calling me 'puppy' is going to make me marry you?" he asked.

I kissed him. "Why won't you marry me?" I asked. "Siri, I love you. You know that, right?"

"Of course I know." Sirius said softly. "You tell me every damn day."

"So, marry me. I love you." I kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks. "We'll be happy together, Siri. You know we will."

"No." Sirius whispered the word deafening. "I fuck up too much. I'm no good for you."

Now it was my turn to slap him. "You bastard. Why is it always about you? Dammit, Sirius, you are so fucking selfish. Why can't _I_ decide whether or not you're good for me? Fuck, Siri, it's not just you anymore!" I mustered all my strength and shoved him. "It's me, too. And a kid. Quit being so selfish!"

Sirius pushed me back. "You don't want me." He snarled.

I pushed him. "Says who? Since when do you make my decisions?"

When he put his arms up to shove me again, I grabbed them, pulled him close and kissed him. "I want to marry you. I want to be a family. I want to forgive you for all your dumb mistakes and forgive you if you make them again. Because that's what love is, Sirius. It's not about being perfect; it's about forgiving by making love on the kitchen floor. You understand, puppy?"

"I'm not a puppy." Sirius said, looking up at me. He took my hand and placed it on his stomach. "This is our puppy." He buried his face in my neck. "I'll try not to fuck up anymore, Remus. I love you . . . and I'll marry you."

Forgiveness was a bed, not the kitchen floor, that night.

* * *

The wedding happened two weeks later. Christina Angel Lupin-Black was born 7 months later, two weeks early. And that, was the beginning of the end. We lost eternity on March 3, 1989. We got a divorce and I had no trouble believing Sirius betrayed, simply because his heart was capable of anything after that. 

We stood there, at our daughter's grave, wondering. I reached for his hand, he punched me. I threw the fistful of dirt; he burst into tears and took off running past the silver gate. I thought I was going to go home and find a suicide note with a puddle of blood. What I found was worst.

Sirius had left his wedding ring on the kitchen table. If only he had died. There would have been no Azkaban, no betrayal, and no lost memories.

He would know why I refuse to get out of bed on March 3 and why I disappear into the graveyard for hours at a time. He doesn't remember Christina. He doesn't remember that we were divorced. He doesn't remember that we were married. He remembers us as lovers and nothing more.

And that is how it will always be. Sirius is too fucking emotional for his own good. I _had_ to do that Memory Charm. _I had to._

Didn't I?

* * *

He comes into the room and wraps his arms around my waist. "Have I told you that I love you today?" he asks. "Because I do. I love you so much, Remi." He kisses my cheek and runs a finger down my neck. "Whatcha working on?" He smiles. "You've been working for three hours. I think you should take a break." 

This is how it should have been. Not Azkaban, not Christina, not me trying to hate him for thirteen years. This! This, gods damn it!

But instead of screaming, crying, pulling out my hair, I turn and kiss him. "Yeah, puppy. I think it's time for a break."

* * *

"_I dare you to forget the marks you left upon my neck  
__From the nights when we were both found at our best." -Taking Back Sunday_


End file.
